


Riding across the desert on a fine Arab charger

by PrimalScream



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Cheating, Injury, M/M, Modern AU, Multi, Porn, blowjob, divorce mention, mild face fucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 12:39:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12059166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimalScream/pseuds/PrimalScream
Summary: Set six years afterKeep me alive with your sweet blowing loveWhen James is injured in the line of duty can James and John hold it together?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You don't need to read the first fic to understand this, but you should, because I'm fairly proud of it and its just some porn with some more porn piled on top.
> 
> Rachel, you're an angel delivering me from bad grammar and awful sentence structure. I love you.

“How late is he on tonight?” Max and John are sitting at his kitchen table with a scrabble board between them. At nearly 11pm, Max has been thoroughly beating John for the last several hours, and this game will likely be their last as she sets down another triple word score.

John looks up at the clock on the wall, “He’s off in an hour. Probably half an hour of paperwork after that. It’s been a slow night.” The police scanner behind him crackles and John gives it half an ear as he scribbles the score out on a pad of paper.

“Officer down. Officer down. Two-six-seven is down.” John’s hand freezes at the sound of the static filled voice over the radio. “Multiple gunshots. Two-six-seven has been shot.” He feels the blood drain from his face, the buzzing in his ears muffles the radio, everything slows down and his vision goes grey.

“No. No, no, no.” John crosses the room and slides to his knees in front of the scanner. His heart starts to race, a cold sweat breaks out across his face. “That’s not—this is not happening. Come on, James, tell me you’re fine, come on.” John begs, as he holds the scanner tightly.

Distantly, he hears Max scoot her chair back but all he can do is grip the scanner as it buzzes again, “John, I love you,” James is breathing hard and fast. “Turn the scanner off now, sweetheart.”

Max immediately turns the dial.

“What are you doing?” John practically screeches. He reaches for the dial to turn it back on only to have Max take the scanner out of his hands and set it back on the counter. She says nothing as she grabs John’s phone from the table, and scrolls through his contacts. His breathing goes fast and shallow as his chest tightens. 

Max turns the phone to him, “That’s his captain?” John can only nod, his vision narrowing. She kneels next to him, rubs his back and puts his hand on her chest, “Breathe with me, John. Come on, deep breath in, come on, that’s it, now out. Good, that’s good, now again.” She breathes with him until the world comes rushing back in with a whoosh. She hits the dial button and hands John the phone. He stands up and starts to reach for his keys but Max beats him to it, “I’ll drive.”

James’s captain answers on the second ring without so much as a hello, “Alton Memorial, we’ll meet you there.”

The entire way to the hospital John can’t think of anything but the last fight they’d had. He’d called James an asshole. He doesn’t think about the lazy early morning sex they’d had today, or the celebratory dinner they’d had two days ago over James’s promotion to Captain. All he can remember is that he’d called James an asshole sometime within the last week. What if that’s all James remembers too? John squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe slowly.

***

_Nov 2011_

John jumps as he hears the slam of their bedroom door. He slumps back against the counter and looks at the shattered glass surrounding him. Sighing in resignation, he reaches for the broom and dustpan. That was their third fight this week and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. Nothing he does is right and he’s constantly walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace. James is angry, understandably so, but John is only trying to help and James just keeps pushing him away in fits of rage. James has been seeing the department psychologist but John has yet to see any improvement. John’s careful prodding to get James to open up to him only causes more tension.

James has been home for over two month now, doing physical therapy three times a week to regain what strength he could to his injured leg. He’d taken four bullets to his left calf and shin. One bullet had shattered his tibia, the other three had completely blown out the muscle. He’d spent six weeks being shuttled between the hospital and inpatient rehab while having three separate reconstructive surgeries, but what was left was mostly just skin stretched over metal fused to bone. James refuses to even look at it. John had to admit that it was fairly mangled. If you asked John, he’d say it could have been worse. If you ask James, well, John gets the distinct impression that sometimes James wishes it had been worse. 

James will walk with a limp for the rest of his life. He can no longer pass the department's fitness standards and had been forced into early retirement. The day he’d received the paperwork, John had come home to find him sitting on the couch with an open bottle of vodka. He’d held James while he’d cried and then again when the vodka had revisited him as he was kneeling on the bathroom floor.

It hasn’t been easy, but he’s alive and he’s safe and that's what matters most to John. The rest they’ll fix together. 

In the quiet of their bedroom later that evening, after John has turned off the lights, James molds his body against John’s. 

“I’m sorry,” His tone is quiet, subdued, repressed emotion making the words shaky.

“I know.” John pulls James’s arms around him, his thumb sliding gently back and forth over the platinum band on James’s left ring finger. James’s arms hold him tightly, his face buried in the back of John’s hair, his quietly shed tears are something else they don’t talk about. 

“I couldn’t do this without you. I love you, John.”

“I love you too.” John laces his fingers between James’s as they both drift off to sleep.

Mornings after are always quiet. James is deferential, apologetic, affectionate. These are the days John tries to coax him back to bed. James rebuffs him at every turn and John does his best not to take it personally. They haven’t had sex since the morning of the shooting. Nothing John says or does seems to interest James and John tries not to push, but he misses James and the easy physicality they used to have. Most of the time James doesn’t even want John to touch him. He doesn’t understand but he tries to abide by James’s wishes. 

***

When it’s time for John to take James to therapy that Wednesday, James asks him to come in so they can meet his new therapist together. The woman who’d been working with James had needed to take an emergency medical leave of absence, and someone new was taking her place. James had been upset about the switch, not enjoying the idea of having to get used to someone new. John had told him that change was good for the soul. James had just rolled his eyes and called John a fucking hippie, but the tremor in his hand as he grasped John’s revealed his nervousness.

The receptionist leads them to a consultation room to wait. A guy in a grey polo and black track pants breezes through the door a few minutes later. He’s taller than both James and John, blue eyes, blond hair, and if John wasn’t already married...well he’ll save that. 

He introduces himself as Thomas Hamilton and James introduces John as his husband. When Thomas takes a second look, James asks, “Is that going to be a problem?” His hands curl around the arms of his chair as he starts to stand. Thomas waves him down with a smile.

“Quite the contrary, considering.” He winks at them both and John feels James relax. Thomas makes it perfectly clear that he’d not only read James’s file completely, but he’d also taken notes while speaking with James’s former therapist so that he could thoroughly understand the strengths and weaknesses that James faced and what areas needed the most improvement. It immediately puts James at ease, and when John leaves fifteen minutes later he’s confident that James won’t have anything to worry about. 

***

Over the next several weeks James seems to be in a better mood. Instead of coming home and being almost insufferable while refusing to do any exercises, he’s returning home in less pain and actually willing to do the extra work outside of his therapy sessions. In the past John would have to cajole James into doing them.

Because of James’s improved demeanor, John once again tries to initiate intimate contact. James still rebuffs him, but this time it’s without the usual anger. John is thankful that at least this time it didn’t end with either of them in tears. James pulls John in close that night, he whispers that he’s sorry, that he does want him, he does love him, he’s just not feeling particularly arduous. It’s progress, and John is happy to take whatever wins he can get. 

***

_Jan 2012_

When John picks James up from therapy on Friday, Thomas isn’t waiting with him and James is quiet, even for him. He looks slightly disheveled and his cheeks are flushed. John wonders if James and Thomas got into it over Thomas wanting to ramp up James’s exercises. They’d both known that Thomas was ready to increase the difficulty of his sessions, but James didn’t think he was ready and hadn’t been looking forward to it.

As soon as they’re home, James heads directly for the shower, the door closing softly behind him without a word. John is leaning against their bedroom dresser waiting for him when he emerges 30 minutes later. James starts and turns away from him before dropping the towel around his waist to pull on underwear and pants. He has to turn back John’s way in order to get to the closet where his shirts are. 

Before John can say anything he notices a bright spot on James’s neck and what look like teeth marks down his chest. Realization starts to dawn and John shakes his head as James opens his mouth, “I slept with him.”

For the second time in six months John finds his world narrowing down to a single pin point. His eyes take in the marks on James’s body before they snap to his face. James’s eyes are drawn down, the corners of his mouth beginning to quiver and John thinks he can’t possibly have heard him correctly.

“What?”

“I”m sorry. I’m so sorry. It was stupid, just a stupid mistake. I’m so sorry.”

James begins to walk toward him but John feels himself backing away. He feels like he’s stuck in tar, like he can’t move. When James reaches him he slides his hands down John’s arms, he tries to take John’s hands in his but John shakes him off. 

“Him, who? Thomas? Your therapist, Thomas? You slept with him? When? Why? I don’t—I don’t understand.”

James tries to pull him to the bed to sit down, and John feels like he’s going to throw up. 

“No, not there, we can’t sit there. Why would you—” John feels himself wheeze. He’s dazed, he can’t focus on anything, his brain tries to break through the fog of disbelief and confusion pushing down on him. 

James again tries to pull John into his arms but John pushes him off, steps backward toward the door. He stumbles into the living room, vision grey, chest tight. Dropping down onto the couch, he puts his head between his knees. He tries to breath deep, tries to keep from falling into the pattern of short choppy breaths that he knows won’t make the burning in his chest go away. 

He closes his eyes and thinks about big open spaces, fields of wildflowers, the sun on his face, a breeze blowing his hair. He thinks about expanding his lungs like a balloon, filling them full of air, as full as they can get, and then pushing it out and counting to ten. Over and over he expands and contracts until he’s no longer dizzy and he can hear the sound of the television, the sound of James’s voice next to his ear, the feel of James's hand on his back. John stands abruptly.

“Don’t touch me. Jesus christ, you had sex someone else. You haven’t let me touch you in months and you willingly fuck someone else?” John looks around, “I have to go.” John dashes around the couch toward the kitchen, James hot on his heels.

“Go? Where are you going to go?”

“I have to think. I can’t think here. I can’t be here right now. I can’t even look at you.” John grabs his keys and his phone and slams the door behind him. 

By the time he makes it to Max’s there are tear tracks on his face and he’s close to hyperventilating again. The second she opens the door and takes one look at his face, she quickly ushers him inside and sits him down with a cool cloth on his neck. She pushes a cold glass of water into his hands and keeps her voice soft and soothing as she asks him what’s happened. When John tells her, she’s as shell-shocked as he is. 

“I don’t understand, he loves you. I’ve seen him with you, you’re his entire universe. It doesn’t make any sense.” John doesn't think so either, but what does he know? He thought he knew James. They’ve been together for six years, married for five, and John wonders if he ever really knew James at all. 

Things haven’t been easy since James was shot, but John thought they were making it. He thinks about James’s recently lifted moods with dawning horror. They hadn’t been making progress at all, _Thomas_ had been making progress with James. John feels sick, his stomach lurching. He bolts to the bathroom and loses his lunch.

John’s phone starts ringing and he ignores it, knowing the only person it can be is James. After ten minutes Max’s phone starts to ring. When she answers, John can hear James’s frantic tone. 

“Just tell me he’s there, tell me he made it safely, please.”

“He’s here, don’t call back,” Max promptly hangs up on him and holds John as broken sobs fall from his mouth. He curls up on her couch, head in her lap, as she soothes him.

***

John spends four days at Max’s before James is at the door. “Max, please, let me see him. Just let me talk to him.”

“He’s not ready yet.”

“Please, Max.” 

John hates hearing him plead. He shuffles to the door and he’s honestly shocked at the state James is in. His eyes are swollen and red, prominent bags underneath them like he hasn’t slept. His clothes are wrinkled and his hair is going every which way. He looks awful and John feels a small measure of satisfaction knowing that James isn’t handling their separation any better than he is.

As soon as he sees John he pushes forward, “He’s asked for a transfer, they don't have anywhere else for him to go, but he has an intern now, we’ll never be alone, it will never happen again. It was one time, it was a mistake. I’m sorry. Please, John, come home. Please.”

John agrees to go home on the condition they start couples therapy. James agrees immediately. 

James tries to kiss him as soon as they’re home but John pulls away, and the look of guilt and regret on James’s face has John pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. He’s devastated, but he still loves James too much to not try.

***

The next time John drops James off for PT Thomas won’t look at him until John stares at him long enough that eventually their eyes meet. John had thought that Thomas would look self satisfied, but all he sees is guilt and misery on the other man’s face. It doesn’t make John want to run him over with his car any less, but at least he’s not quite as worried that Thomas will be pushing for more. John selfishly takes comfort in the stiled way that Thomas and James interact.

Every other day John drives James to therapy and every single time Thomas looks as withdrawn and guilty as the first time. _It serves him right_ , John thinks. He hopes the guilt is eating Thomas alive in the same way that John’s skin crawls every time he thinks about them together.

***

Two weeks pass. James and John have had five counseling sessions. They’re not making much progress, but at least James seems to be trying. 

James finally manages to coax John into bed after their therapist, Eleanor, had suggested a “date” night. Good food and even better wine along with James’s charming attentiveness have John allowing James to touch him, to kiss him. It all helps John to forget the last month, albeit briefly. 

James touches him reverently, taking John apart piece by piece before putting him back together. John can’t help but notice that James won’t fuck him, no matter how much he begs for it. Instead, he pulls John over him, his eyes wide open as he strokes John’s face. He touches John everywhere, his eyes never leaving John’s as he tells him how much he loves him, how much he’s missed him, missed the way John loves him, missed the way John touches him. 

John tries to stay in the here and now, but his mind wanders. He can’t help but wonder what James had said to Thomas. What Thomas had done to him. John presses his forehead to James’s chest, clears his mind, refuses to let someone else get between them again. James is his, in mind, body, and name.

John fucks him hard, James’s cock lying thick and wet on his stomach, John’s name on his lips, his hand buried in John’s hair as he pulls John down for desperate kisses. John takes James’s cock in his hand and strokes him fast using James’s own slick to ease the way. James arches under him, begging John for _harder_ and _faster_. He comes over John’s fist, his body bowed, his chest heaving as he pants. He pulls John into a sloppy kiss and wraps his legs around John’s waist. He presses his lips to John’s ear, “I love you. I love you so much, John.” 

And just like the first time James had said it, it makes John dizzy, emotion welling inside him forcing his own orgasm to crash over him. James holds him, his arms and legs wrapped around him, pressing one kiss after another to every part of John’s face and head and shoulders that he can reach. James falls asleep in his arms that night, his face pressed to John’s throat, his breath stirring the hair at the side of John’s neck. For the first time in a long while John thinks maybe, just maybe, they can find a way back.

***

At Eleanor’s office a week later, John tries to understand the way James had felt after the accident. Sometimes he fails, and the feeling of not being enough creeps over him. 

“They text, did he tell you that? They text.” John blows out a frustrated breath as he crosses his arms over his chest slouching farther back into his seat. 

“And have you seen those texts?” Eleanor asks calmly.

“Yes. He doesn’t hide them—or at least says he doesn’t.”

“I don’t. I’ve shown them all to you.” John can’t believe that James has the nerve to sound exasperated. 

“Have you asked him not to text you?” Eleanor looks between them.

“He’s still actively James’s therapist.” John grits out.

“They’re mostly about the exercises he wants me doing at home, he sends links to videos and examples.” 

Eleanor’s eyebrows shoot up as she looks at James. James sighs, “He asked for a transfer, they don’t have anywhere else to send him. We’re never alone. It was just the one time,” He turns pleading eyes to John, “If I ask for a different therapist they’ll fire him and I’m not okay with that, this was my fault, not his.”

Eleanor turns to James, “I understand it was just once, but do you think it’s wise to continue to see someone you had an affair with, even if it’s only in a professional capacity?”

“It wasn’t an affair, It was just—” James snaps his mouth closed so fast his teeth click.

John narrows his eyes, the hair on the back of his neck standing up, “Just what, James?” John hears himself laugh in such an ugly manner that it actually shocks him. “Go ahead, say it. It was just sex, right? Sex, James, the one thing you’d been denying me for months, you gave to a virtual fucking stranger.”

James’s shoulder slump, “I needed someone to want me.”

John’s mouth drops open and his anger rises to the surface quickly, “Someone to want you? Are you fucking serious? Every fucking day I was there wanting you, loving you. Every day I told you how much. I stood by while you ranted and raved at me about grapes that were the wrong color and steaks that had too much fat. I wiped up your vomit up when you drank yourself sick. I bathed you, I dressed your wounds, I stood by your fucking side every goddamn day! But it was never enough was it? No matter what I did, what I said, it was never good enough.” John blows out a frustrated breath. “I’m trying to understand, but I don’t, and I need you to explain it to me because I can’t stop seeing you with him. I can’t stop seeing the dozens of times you pushed me away.”

James looks at him, face open as he points down at his leg, “I needed someone to want me like _this_ , someone who had only ever known me like _this_. I needed someone to want me as a cripple. Someone who doesn’t look at me and remember what I was like when I was whole.”

“You’re still whole to me.” Confusion colors John’s voice. 

“But I’m not and the fact that you don't understand that is part of the reason why.” 

John paces around Eleanor’s office remembering the sight of someone else’s marks on James’s body and, try as he might, he can’t seem to get past it. He’d thought that counseling would be the answer, that working through exactly why James had decided to turn to someone else would help, but it hasn’t. John still doesn’t understand what Thomas could offer to James that he couldn’t. John is still just as hurt as he was that very first day, he’s still just as confused, and he’s still wallowing in the feeling of not being enough, of once again being found inadequate and lacking when compared with someone or something else.

He looks at James. James’s eyes are pleading, his face squeezed painfully tight, “I’m sorry, please, John. I’m sorry. I’ll do anything, please.”

And just as quickly as it had come, the anger dies, because John knows James is sorry. He sees it in every line of James’s body, he sees it in the anguish on his face and the regret in his eyes. He knows James loves him, but he also knows it’s not enough, not right now, and maybe never again. John feels the fight leave him, feels his shoulders slump. 

John shakes his head, tears welling in his eyes as he wraps his arms around himself and says, “I’m going to stay with Max for awhile. I love you James, but I can’t be around you right now.”

James shakes his head, his own eyes wet, his breath hitching. One ragged sob of his name is the last thing John hears as he lets Eleanor’s office door close behind him. 

***

_Feb 2012_

John won’t take his calls. James is going crazy not knowing where they stand, not knowing when John is coming home. Every time he calls it goes to voicemail or Max answers. He’s tried going to Max’s house, but no one will answer the door. Eventually a neighbor tells him that if he doesn’t go away for good, they’re going to call the cops. James barely refrains from telling them to go ahead, his brothers would never remove him from the property where his husband is hiding out. But common sense prevails and he realizes he’s making a nuisance of himself, which probably won’t help his case. He determines that he’ll give John the time he asked for. He limits his calls to once a week and leaves the same message over and over, _I’m sorry, please forgive me. I love you. Please come home._

***

_May 2012_

It’s been three months since John has left. Three months of no contact, of James trying, without success, to reach him. The first semblance of contact from John comes in the form of a realtor he has sent around to put the house on the market. She tells James that he can stay until they have a solid offer. James tries calling John, but he’d only gets Max. She tells him in a quiet but firm voice that John won’t be coming back and that he should start looking for somewhere else to live. 

***

A few weeks after the visit from the realtor, Max and several of her friends show up with a list, a few dozen boxes, and a moving van to pack up John’s belongings. All James can do is sit on the couch in misery. Every time someone asks whether a particular item was his or John’s, James just waves his hand for them to take it―except for a single t-shirt that James refuses to give up. It’s what John would sleep in when James worked night shifts. 

James had bought it as a gag gift on their honeymoon in Scotland; in addition to being four sizes too big it was the loudest, busiest shirt either of them had ever seen. John’s entire face had contorted into a grimace the second he’d seen it and he’d recoiled with a gasp. He’d told James it had offended every single sense he had. James had bought it while John was three doors down buying gifts for their parents. When they’d gotten home two weeks later and James had presented it to him, John had narrowed his eyes and threatened James’s manhood. It was long enough to be a dress, and John used to stretch it over his legs and curl up under it like a cat when he got cold. James had found him that way more times than he could count, fast asleep on the couch, waiting for him to get home. 

James snagged it from the top of a basket as someone was carrying it out the door and held it up to his nose, inhaling the scent of John that still lingered on it. Max didn’t argue with him when he wouldn’t return it.

After everything is packed up, James feels like his heart is packed right along with John’s comic book collection. Before he can face the anguish of walking through the house that lacks all of John’s belongings, Max comes back in and hands him John’s wedding ring. James’s stoic facade crumbles. He’s not too proud to plead with her, “Please, tell him not to do this.” 

Max silently opens his hand and places John’s ring in his palm before turning and walking away. 

That night and over the next few days, James leaves more than a dozen voicemails for John until eventually John disables his mailbox.

***

When he shows up for his therapy session on Monday, he’s in such a state that Thomas takes one look at him and ushers James into his office, closing the door behind them. He points James to a chair and then hands him a bottle of water from the fridge in the corner before taking the seat next to him.

“What’s happened?”

“He sent Max to collect his things from the house. He’s not coming home. It’s over.” James barely manages to get the words out, deep choking sobs making it nearly impossible for him to breathe and talk. 

Thomas rubs his shoulders, “He could still come home.”

James digs under the collar of hs shirt and pulls out a silver chain, John’s ring hangs from the bottom, “He had Max return it.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, James, I’m so fucking sorry.” Thomas rubs a hand over his face, “Do you think it would help if I called him? Maybe I could explain it to him?”

James snorts, “Explain what? That I’m a coward and an asshole and don’t really deserve him anyway?”

“That’s not true. You made a mistake. I made a mistake.”

“He won’t answer my calls. He’s disabled his voicemail.” James’s hands shake as he takes a long drink from the bottle. “I don’t know if I can live without him. We’ve only been together six years, but it's like my life didn't exist before him, almost like the memories that don’t involve him have been wiped clean.”

James squeezes his eyes shut against another onslaught of tears. He takes one deep breath after another, Thomas’s hand sliding up and down his back in comfort. After several more minutes he wipes his face and sits up, “Alright, that’s enough self pity for today.” He gives Thomas a half smile as he stands.

***

_December 2012_

James makes an offer on the house, unable to bear the thought of giving up the last connection he has with John. John doesn’t fight him. 

John sits across from him at the closing, his eyes never meeting James’s, despite James’s best effort to get his attention. John signs where he’s required, waits for James to do the same and then leaves as silently as he came. 

***

_January 2013_

James has to relearn how to live alone. His friendship with Thomas continues to develop as he leans on Thomas for help. It’s not that James can’t take care of himself, it's that sometimes he just doesn’t have the energy. There are still days when James can barely manage to get out of bed, let alone take care of all the day to day necessities, so Thomas helps him shop and clean, and eventually James starts to laugh again. Eventually he stops waiting for John to walk back through the door.

Over the last year James has allowed his friendships within the police force to wither and die, unable to stomach the pity in the eyes of men who had once looked to him for guidance. Now that John has left him, Thomas is James’s only friend. Thomas and he share meals while getting to know one another, and they grow closer. James recognizes that his feelings for Thomas run deeper than they should, but their relationship never moves forward even though James believes that Thomas wouldn’t object. They both feel the shadow of guilt hovering over them, which keeps either of them from actually making a move. He knows that he’s slowly falling in love with the man John holds responsible for the state of their shattered marriage; try as he might to ignore it, James still feels the pull of Thomas’s body, of the attraction that had led them both down the wrong path to begin with. He does everything in his power to ignore it, the ache of John’s absence is still a constant presence in James’s life and he refuses to betray him again.

Last week James had received a large envelope in the mail. Inside had been a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. That afternoon Thomas had found him passed out on the bathroom room floor, a tequila bottle clutched to his chest, John’s Scotland t-shirt under his head. It no longer smelled like John, but it comforted James just the same. He’d fought Thomas as he’d tried to clean James up and put him bed. He’d told Thomas to leave him there on the floor where he deserved to be.

Thomas gently suggests that James go see another counselor, one who can prescribe James something that can help. Apparently it’s not gentle enough because James eventually shouts at him, “I don’t need a goddamn antidepressant, I need my fucking husband back!” 

“I’m sorry. If I could go back, James, I’d take it back. I swear to you.” Thomas’s guilt is blatant, and James deflates a little at the look on Thomas’s face.

“I know. It’s not your fault. I’m a grown fucking man, I could have told you no. I didn’t. You only took what I offered up to you on a silver fucking platter.”

James can admit now, with some distance, that he’d subconsciously been flirting with Thomas from day one. He can vividly remember some of the leading comments he’d tossed out to get Thomas’s attention. More than once while Thomas was stretching him he’d closed his eyes and let the feeling of Thomas’s hands on his body stir a reaction from him. He’d seen the heat in Thomas’s eyes and he’d done nothing to discourage it. He’d let Thomas believe he was open to it and when Thomas made a move, James had welcomed it. But afterward, in the harsh light of the locker room, the guilt had hit him immediately. He couldn’t stop seeing John’s face. He’d pushed Thomas off of him, nearly sick with regret, his heart sinking, knowing that he couldn’t keep it from John, and knowing full well what it would do to him. Why did he betray John? How could he have made such a stupid mistake?

But he knows full well why and how. Despite John’s continued advances, his attentiveness, and his vows of love, James had thought that it was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. James couldn’t help but look at what was left of his leg and wonder how long it would take John to get tired of seeing it, of realizing that James was no longer the strong, fit, whole man he’d married. The one who’d chased him around the yard with a water gun until they were both soaked to the bone. The one who carried him into the emergency room when he was sick and he couldn’t walk. The one who used to be able to ride John for hours, teasing them both to the edge and back until they were covered in sweat and exhausted. Those days were gone.

James had known there wouldn’t be any more hiking, or mountain biking, or surfing in Hawaii. The things they used to do for entertainment, their vacations, their retirement plans, all of it was gone, and one day John would realize that he was stuck in a relationship with a cripple that was holding him back from having a full life. 

But Thomas, Thomas had already known. James was already broken when Thomas met him. Thomas had full disclosure of all of James’s shortcomings and what could and couldn’t be expected of him. He’d never have to look back at pictures and videos and see things they could no longer have. James would never have to face the disappointment in Thomas’s eyes when he couldn’t take a simple walking tour.

Time was a funny thing. It had shown James what John’s own actions and words hadn’t been able to. John had loved him, completely, thoroughly, and none of it would have mattered to John in the end as long as he’d had James by his side. That realization had come too late. 

James refuses to give up on them, however. He loves John too much. So whenever he received that same envelope in the mail, he continued to return them, in the hopes that it would force John’s hand and prompt an in person visit, force John to face him so that he could finally explain.

***

_March 2013_

James and Thomas are at a local bakery when Thomas spots John across the crowded shop. John doesn’t see him right away, but he does see James. He watches as a gambit of emotions run across John’s face, the one that strikes Thomas the most is the longing he sees in John’s eyes. When James turns to speak to Thomas, John’s gaze follows.

Thomas knows the instant that John turns the situation into something it isn’t. His eyes drop and his mouth thins out as he steps out of line and heads toward the door. James follows Thomas’s eyes and then he’s moving as quickly as he can to follow John but there is no way he will be fast enough to catch up. Thomas overtakes James and puts a hand on his arm. James stops and lets Thomas go after John.

“John, wait.” John stops, his shoulders sinking as Thomas catches up with him a block away. “It’s not what you think.” John says nothing, just stares at him. “We’re not—he’s still in love with you. You need to know that.”

John looks at him hard, his jaw clenching before nodding his head and walking away. Thomas doesn’t bother trying to stop him again, he knows it would be no use. 

When he gets back to the bakery, James is leaning against the wall outside. James’s eyes search for John behind Thomas. Thomas hates the defeated look on James’s face when he realizes John isn’t with him.

“How does he look?”

Thomas sighs, “Tired.”

James is subdued and distant for the rest of the evening. It’s been over a year and Thomas knows they can’t go on this way; none of them are happy, and if John’s display today is any indication, he’s still as hung up on James as James is on him. Thomas knows that stepping out of the situation might temporarily fix the problem, but in the long run he knows it’s only a band aid. He understands on a basic level that there’s really only one solution that will offer almost complete resolution. He waits until James goes up to shower before snagging his phone and copying John’s number into his contacts. 

***

Several days later Thomas makes the call. “John? It’s Thomas.”

“What’s wrong, is it James? Is he alright?” John’s tone is frightened and if Thomas had any doubt of John’s feelings they’re put to bed by the scared cadence of John’s voice.

“He’s fine, but we should talk. I’d like to meet for lunch.” John is silent for so long that Thomas has to check to make sure the call is still connected. 

“Why?” John’s voice is curious, lacking the expected venom. 

“I’d rather talk about it in person,” he hears John sigh just before he agrees. 

They set up a meeting for the following Sunday and Thomas spends the entire week practicing what he plans to say to John and trying to be succinct with his talking points. He spends so much time lost in his head that James brings it up one day while shopping.

“Are you seeing someone?”

The very idea of it sends Thomas into fits of hysterical laughter. He watches annoyance flash in James’s eyes before answering, “Would it bother you if I was?”

James bristles and turns back to the shelf he’d been looking at, “Of course not, you’re free to do as you like.”

Thomas sees through him immediately. It would bother James, and now Thomas is even more determined to get them all on the same page. 

***

Thomas arrives early and sits at a booth in the back with a view of the door, his leg bouncing as he waits. He folds and unfolds his napkin four times and when John finally comes to a stop next to the booth, Thomas nearly dumps an entire glass of water on him. He waits until John sits before he begins. 

“James and I aren’t together. You need to know that before anything else. He’s still waiting for you to come back.” John looks down at his hand, his thumb immediately rubbing over his bare ring finger. “He still wears his.” Thomas tells him.

John doesn’t say anything at first, he takes a long drink and then looks right at Thomas, “I don’t blame you, you know. You were just there, you were convenient.”

The words sting, and Thomas understands that they’re supposed to, he knows there’s some truth to them, in the beginning they’d most likely been completely true. Now, he’s a part of James’s life, and while he’d leave if James asked him to, he doesn’t believe that’s what James wants. He’s already had plenty of opportunities to make Thomas go.

Before Thomas can say any more the waiter comes to take their order. The two sit in awkward silence for several minutes before Thomas tries to break the ice with some small talk, anything to mask the deafening quiet and tension at the table. 

“He’s talked about getting a dog.” 

John gives him an odd look, “He’s not a dog person, he’s a cat person.”

“I think he just hates sleeping alone.”

John sits back, as their food arrives. “I’m sure you could solve that problem for him.”

“I would if he’d let me. Believe me, John, I’m not a saint and you left him,” Thomas snaps. He’s making an effort here and John is being an asshole. “I’ve tried, but he’s not interested. He’s remaining faithful to a man who won’t even take his fucking phone calls.” 

“And that’s my fault, right? I’m the one in the wrong here?” John starts to shuffle out of the booth.

“Wait. Fuck! That wasn’t—” Thomas sighs heavily, “Just stay, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

John slides back in and says, “There’s a little fire in there after all.” After a second John looks away, clenches his jaw, and then looks back to Thomas, “Look, I meant what I said. I know it’s not your fault. You’re not innocent, but I know you’re not completely to blame either. Truth is, I’ve forgiven both of you. I had some blame of my own to take responsibility for.”

“Then why won’t you take him back?”

John looks out the window, and then back to Thomas, the corners of his eyes turned down, “I can’t get past it. I can’t stop wondering what happens if fail him again? And I can’t stop seeing your teeth marks on this throat.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know if I ever said it before, but I’m sorry. I wanted to take it back as soon as it happened. I’ve never been more sorry for anything than I was for that.”

John considers Thomas for a moment then nods, “Thank you.”

They eat in silence for several minutes before Thomas blurts out, “I think we should sleep together.” Thomas immediately closes his eyes and tries to regain some semblance of composure. That was absolutely none of the very well put together thoughts he’d rehearsed this morning in his bathroom mirror. 

John pauses with his fork halfway to his mouth, “I’m sorry?”

Thomas sits back in the booth and looks out the window trying to put his jumbled thoughts into some kind of recognizable order. When this idea had first taken root, he’d thought it had been brilliant. But now, faced with John’s disbelief, he’s starting to second guess himself.

“I think it would be beneficial if you and I slept together. It would put you and James back on even footing.” He pauses to take in John’s confused expression, “And it could possibly lead to something more between the three of us down the line.”

John puts his fork down and wipes his mouth with his napkin. “The three of us? Together?” When Thomas nods John actually laughs, “a bit greedy aren’t you?”

Thomas chuckles, “I guess it would seem that way.” Thomas sits forward, his hands folded on the table, “You still love him.” John says nothing but he won’t meet Thomas’s eyes. “He still loves you. I’m the only thing standing in the way of that. While the simple solution would be for me to leave, neither James nor I want that. We’ve not so much as kissed since that day, but I’m in love with him, and I believe he feels the same way. But just like my presence will always be between you and he, yours will always be between he and I.”

“So why don’t we all just walk away then? We can all move on. Problem solved.” 

“It would make things easier, but none of us really want that so we’re stuck here, standing still and unhappy. If it doesn’t work, if we aren’t compatible on the most basic level, he’ll never have to know. But if we are, the possibilities are limitless.”

John says nothing, just digs back into his lunch, but his eyes never leave Thomas’s. They eat in silence and Thomas knows John is taking measure of him. 

After their dishes are cleared and Thomas has paid the bill, John broaches the topic again, “I don’t think it will work. I don’t know if I could even...with you.”

“Take a few days, really think about it, that’s all I ask.” John nods as they exit the restaurant together. 

Just as Thomas is about to turn away, John snags his arm, “Kiss me.”

“What?” Thomas’s eyes widen in disbelief.

“Just once, just to see.”

Thomas looks both ways down the street before crowding John against the wall. He takes his time, watching John’s eyes as he fits his palm to John’s cheek, his fingers sliding over John’s ear and into his hair. John tilts his face up, his tongue sliding along his bottom lip. Thomas feels a spike of heat in his stomach as he leans closer, his nose brushing the side of John’s. John’s breath hitches, he pushes into Thomas’s space with a soft noise. Thomas feels John’s breath against his chin and then Thomas is pressing their lips together for a short second before pulling back just slightly. John groans and pulls Thomas in by the front of his shirt. His mouth already open, his tongue touching softly against Thomas’s.

Thomas forgets everything, he presses his body against John’s as sparks shoot down his spine. John’s tongue slides along his, his hands sliding up into Thomas’s hair to angle his head, taking the kiss deeper. Thomas presses him against the wall, their bodies molding together as their mouths work, meeting and releasing, the slick sound of their lips sliding together echoing in Thomas’s head.

When Thomas finally pulls back they’re both panting and John’s eyes are heavy lidded, his cheeks pink, mouth red, and Thomas is hit with a bolt of desire so strong he has to curl his toes in his shoes to keep from leaning in again. 

“You want to come to my place?” John asks softly as he slides his hands along Thomas’s chest.

“More than you know, but not today. I want you to think about it with a clear head, and I have a suspicion your head is anything but clear.”

“And yours is?” John tosses back.

“Not by a long shot.” Thomas grins at him, and John returns it with his own filthy smile. If he agrees, Thomas suddenly has no doubt that this could work. Thomas disentangles himself and sends John on his way.

***

Over the next several days they text randomly, realization of how very alike they are growing with every conversation. A week after the kiss, Thomas’s phone buzzes while he’s helping James build his new grill.

_I think we should go to a hotel._

Thomas has to refrain from fist pumping. He texts back immediately.

_Name the time and place_

_The Hyatt on 6th. Friday at 8. I’l check in and text you the room number._

_Looking forward to it._

Thomas worries that he sounds a bit too eager but John’s quick reply settles his nerves.

_Surprisingly, me too_

James tosses the instructions for the grill at Thomas’s head, and he nearly drops his phone “Who’s that?”

“My sister,” Thomas doesn’t say any more as he tucks his phone into his back pocket.

***

Thomas spends the next three days so distracted that by the time Friday rolls around he feels like he’s just completed a triathalon. He showers twice, once in the morning and once in the evening. He stands in front of his closet for an hour selecting and then rejecting at least a dozen different shirts until he finally goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of scotch to calm his nerves. He realizes that it doesn't really matter what he wears, his clothes are going to end up on the floor anyway.

At 7:50 he parks in the garage at the hotel and waits for John’s text. At 8:03 his phone buzzes. 

_1017\. Door is propped open._

When he steps through the door, John is standing in the center of the room with a Dos Equis in his hand. He offers one to Thomas and they sit on the small loveseat not looking at each other and not talking until John gets up and takes his shoes and socks off. Thomas isn’t a huge fan of feet, but he finds that John’s are actually very nice. They’re fairly proportionate to the rest of him, the nails short, toes straight and tan, his heels smooth, his feet look like they’d be soft to the touch.

Thomas gets up and, following John’s lead, takes his own shoes and socks off. The two of them stand looking at each other. John wipes his hands nervously on his pants and takes a step toward Thomas. He reaches out and pulls Thomas’s shirt out of his pants, his hands finding their way underneath. Thomas sucks in a sharp breath, his stomach clenching under the soft press of John’s fingers. John runs both hands up Thomas’s chest, taking the polo he’s wearing with them until it's up and over his head. John reaches for Thomas’s pants and Thomas sees how hard his hands are shaking. He takes John’s hands in his, stilling his movements. John’s eyes shoot up to meet his, questioning. Thomas says nothing as he leads John to the bed and lies down on his side, he pats the bed next to him and John settles himself on his side facing Thomas.

Thomas runs his thumb over John’s eyebrow, John’s lashes flutter, he sighs and leans into the touch. Thomas tilts his face and slides his lips over John’s. John shivers and moves closer, his hand curling over Thomas’s hip. Thomas kisses him slowly, deepening it in small increments. The touch of his tongue to John’s top lip, the scrape of teeth against John’s bottom lip, bring a moan from John’s mouth into his and the sound shoots straight to his center, his body flushing hot as arousal curls through him.

John pulls at Thomas as he shifts to his back. Thomas slides his hand under John’s shirt, as he runs his tongue along John’s jaw. Thomas’s leg settles between John’s, his thigh pressing against John’s cock. John’s stomach jumps under his fingers, as Thomas pulls the shirt over John’s head. His hair splays out under him when he settles back down and Thomas can’t help but run his fingers through it where it’s spread out on the bed. John’s eyes close on a soft breath.

“You’re beautiful.”

John’s eyes snap open, “You don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t, you’re right. But I want to. It’s what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling.” Thomas covers his mouth again, his hand tucked behind John’s head. He rolls to his back bringing John with him. John straddles his hips and Thomas is almost shocked to realize how hard he is. He knows he shouldn’t find his arousal surprising. John _is_ beautiful, his body lithe and bronze. In a different world, Thomas would still find him attractive.

John shifts his hips, their cocks rubbing together through their pants. He gasps into Thomas’s mouth as he presses his forehead against Thomas’s. John shifts against him again, his cheek tight against Thomas’s, his lips next to Thomas’s ear, “I haven’t even kissed anyone since James.”

Thomas wraps his arms around John and rolls them again so that he’s hovering over John. He brushes John’s hair away from his face, kissing his eyelids, his cheeks, and finally his lips. John leans up and deepens the kiss, his hands rubbing over Thomas’s chest, his shoulders, then up into his hair. Thomas rocks his hips down and John cries out, arching under him, one of his legs wrapping loosely over Thomas’s hip.

The kiss turns wet and sloppy, the two of them panting into each other’s mouths as Thomas reaches down and gets both of their pants open. He works both sets down just enough to free their cocks. Thomas wraps a hand around both of them. He hisses at the hot, hard feel of John’s cock against his. He looks down between them, sees the way John’s cock is wet and flushed where it slides along his. Thomas licks across John’s nipple just to hear him moan.

“I’m so close already.” John is breathless, body undulating beneath him as he fucks up into Thomas’s fist. 

Thomas bites at his throat, “We’ve got all night to go again. I want to see you come for me.”

John’s body arches, a whimpering moan falling from his lips as his body starts to shake. His legs are trembling, his hands curling around Thomas’s biceps as his head tips back. His mouth falls open with a sharp, high pitched cry, his eyes squeezing shut. Thomas doesn’t know where to look, John’s cock or his face, both equally gorgeous. He feels John’s cock pulse against his palm and then he’s spilling over Thomas’s fingers, sticky and wet, his breath shaking just like the rest of him.

Thomas scoots down, and fits his mouth over the head to catch the last drops on his tongue. He works John’s pants the rest of the way off and then tosses them to the side. John moans, his hips twitching up and then away as Thomas sucks at him. Thomas licks around him, tonguing the slit, John whimpers, his hand pushing at Thomas’s head. Thomas knows he’s oversensitive but he can’t seem to help himself. He licks at John’s cock, long drags of his tongue from base to tip. 

He slides further down, takes John’s balls into his mouth and sucks them gently to a chorus of gasping half moans from John. He licks down along John’s perineum until he knows John can feel his breath ghosting across his hole. He pushes gently with his thumb, watching the tight muscle flutter under his touch before he leans in and licks a long hard stripe right across the center of John.

John’s hips come off the bed, his voice needy, “Oh fuck, please.”

It’s all the invitation Thomas needs. He licks and sucks at John’s ass, probing with his tongue and scraping John’s rim with his teeth. John bucks against him, his hand coming down to hold Thomas’s head as he fucks himself on Thomas’s tongue. Thomas seals his mouth over John’s hole and sucks, his tongue flicking fast over John’s heated skin. John shoves back against him, his hips rotating, bucking against Thomas’s face as he begs, “Fuck me, please. Fuck me.”

Thomas comes up to his knees and wipes his face, “You bring stuff with you?”

“Bag on the dresser,” John pants.

Thomas gets up and divests himself of his pants as he reaches for the bag. There’s lube and a fresh box of condoms. He kneels between John’s legs and dumps the bag next to John’s hip. Pulling John’s legs over his thighs, he strokes his thumb across John’s hole. He’s still wet with Thomas’s spit and the tip slips in easy. John hums, his eyes closing. Thomas wets two fingers and slides them against John. John’s legs shift further apart, his hips pressing down, a soft noise of approval coming from the back of his throat. 

Thomas watches him, taking in the way John’s body glows in the half dark, the way his eyes glitter, the light sheen of sweat shining across his chest. He leans up and licks into John’s mouth, unable to resist the urge to kiss him. John’s hand comes up, holds the back of his neck, his fingers sliding into his hair, his short nails scratching over Thomas’s scalp. Thomas feels himself shiver as John’s other hands strokes his cock, his thumb rubbing under the head, his fingers plying his foreskin, pulling it up and over before sliding it back down exposing his wet head to the air. Thomas gasps into his mouth as John rolls his sac in his fingers. 

Thomas presses in with two slick fingers, his tongue mimicking the action as it slides into John’s mouth. John presses against him, moaning into Thomas’s mouth as his body parts around Thomas’s fingers. John’s head tilts back with a gasp as Thomas’s fingers seat themselves fully. Thomas sits back on his heels, watches the smooth glide of his fingers, mesmerized by the way John’s ass flutters around him. 

He can’t stop himself from leaning in and licking around his fingers where they part John. John cries out, his fists slam down on the bed, fingers grasping the sheets for leverage, his legs come up around Thomas’s ears. Thomas spreads his fingers, licking between them, as John plants his feet and raises his hips to fuck himself back against Thomas, his body rolling as he pants Thomas’s name. Thomas pulls back and fucks in with his fingers quickly, reaching up on every other thrust, making John moan and shudder around him.

Thomas stops briefly to slick himself and then roll on a condom. Upending the bottle over his cock, he wets himself down, stroking himself several times before going back to John’s ass with three fingers. He presses in slowly, John bites off a moan as he turns his head into the pillow. He pulls at John’s rim, stretches his fingers apart as he fucks in and out. John’s body rocks down to meet him, his hand locked around Thomas’s wrist as John rides his fingers hard and fast. 

John pulls Thomas’s fingers free, “Now! Fuck, I can’t wait any longer.”

Thomas runs his hand over his cock one last time with another layer of slick and then he shuffles forward. He watches John’s face as his ass parts around the head of his cock. He’s so fucking tight, Thomas is starting to doubt that this is going to happen. Just as he thinks he’s going to have to pull back, John blows out a long breath and the head pops in. John’s face scrunches up and Thomas stays perfectly still.

“God, you’re so fucking big.” John’s breath is hitching, his eyes clenched shut.

“We could stop.” Thomas selfishly prays the answer is no.

John’s eyes pop open, “Don’t you fucking dare. I just need a second.”

John twists his hips and his ass sucks at Thomas’s cock. Thomas can’t stop the gasping moan at the tight, hot feel of John pulling at him. John does it again and Thomas slides in a few more inches. Two more twitches of John’s hips and Thomas is all the way in, John searing him from the inside out. Thomas is panting, his mind blank as he tries desperately not come.

Thomas feels like he’s on fire. He can feel every single spot where they’re touching, every nerve ending sparking. Thomas pulls out, the head of his cock pulling at John’s rim and then he slides home fast and hard. John arches under him, his legs winding around Thomas’s hips, his fingers digging into Thomas’s back, his hot breath in Thomas’s ear, “Fuck, yes. Just like that.” 

John is everything Thomas knew he would be. Hot and sensual and so fucking good. He loves the way John takes his pleasure, the way he moves under Thomas, the way he meets Thomas thrust for thrust. His face is pulled tight with need, his eyes dark and hungry as they watch Thomas. There’s sweat pooling in the dip at the base of his throat and Thomas leans in to taste him. John presses up, his body rubbing against Thomas’s, his cock sliding against Thomas’s abs. 

Thomas gets his hands under John’s ass and lifts John into his thrusts as he hammers home at a punishing pace. They’re both breathing hard, the sound and the scent of sex thick around them. John’s hands slide down Thomas’s back, his face pressing tightly to the side of Thomas’s neck. John’s body jerks against him and he makes a dark, almost wounded, guttural sound just before his cock starts to twitch where it’s sliding against Thomas’s stomach. It sends a hot spike of lust straight down Thomas’s spine.

Thomas feels John’s ass clench around him and then wetness spreading between them. He pulls back quickly, plants his hands on the bed as his hips slam hard into John, grinding and pulsing as his own cock jerks hard just before he fills the condom. John’s nails rake down his back, his body still sucking at Thomas even as Thomas’s hips keep pulsing and circling, prolonging it for both of them. He lets himself rest against John, his mouth trailing up and down John’s neck as John hums.

Eventually, he pulls out and ties off the condom, dropping it on the floor before collapsing face first to the bed, one arm thrown over John’s chest. They’re quiet for several long minutes before Thomas turns to his back and pulls John into him.

“Will you tell me about it?” John’s voice is hushed, hesitant.

Thomas swallows thickly, his fingers stroking absently along John’s spine as he stares at the ceiling, “Do you really want to know?”

“I think I need to.”

“I didn’t plan it, he didn’t plan it. I was attracted to him, but he loves you.” Thomas looks down and catches John’s gaze before letting his eyes wander back to the ceiling. “God, John you don’t even know how much he loves you. He talked about you during every session. He didn’t feel like he deserved you.” Thomas hears John’s sharp inhale and he pulls John closer. “It was during the end of a session. I was stretching him in the locker room. I don’t even know how it started, but before I knew it, one thing led to another.”

John says nothing more as he lays against Thomas, dropping to sleep. Soon after, Thomas follows.

***

The next day as they’re dressing and preparing to leave, Thomas pauses, “I’d like to keep seeing you. As a friend, I’d like to get to know you.”

John swallows hard, his eyes searching Thomas’s face before he smiles, “I think I’d like that.”

“Even if James turns us down?”

John nods, “Even then.”


	2. Chapter 2

A week later Thomas is having dinner at James’s house and he has yet to find a way to broach the subject of John with James; he’s quickly figuring out there is no perfect scenario, now is as good a time as any. He waits until James’s back is turned so he doesn’t have to watch the words register, “I slept with John.”

James freezes. Seconds later his shoulders starting to hunch up around his ears before he very deliberately goes back to washing the dishes, “John who?”

Thomas takes a step back while taking a deep breath, “John Silver.”

James turns around so fast Thomas is afraid he’s going to lose his balance.

“My John? You slept with _my_ John?” James’s eyebrows crinkle and his lips twitch, there’s a tick in his jaw. His hands curl into fists as he takes a step toward Thomas.

Thomas knows instinctively that James would never hurt him, understands it on a subconscious level, but the anger blazing out of James’s eyes forces him to take a step back. Against his better judgement Thomas says, “Well he’s not really yours anymore is he?”

“He fucking well is! He still carries my goddamn name.” James’s voice elevates, the pitch ticking up with every word.

“Only because you keep sending him the divorce papers back shredded instead of signed,” Thomas shoots back. 

John has sent at least a dozen copies in the last six months and every single time James has the same reaction. He tosses them across the room where they’ll lay on the floor for a day or so until finally he picks them up. He’ll then sit down with his reading glasses and read every single page, his face twisted with guilt as he stares at the word _infidelity_ listed as the cause for dissolution. After he’s read them, he’ll put them aside for another day before ripping them up, putting them in an envelope, and sending them back. A new sheaf arrives every three or so weeks.

“When?” James’s grits out.

“Last week.”

“Why? Why would you do that?” The grimace that crosses James’s face is part anger, part pain.

“The two of you are still very much in love with each other, and I...I love you, James. I believe you love me too.” James says nothing, but he confirms it with a short nod, “Which leaves me and John as the only variable in this situation. I wanted to see if we were compatible. We’re all so fucking miserable. Don’t you want more than this? What if we could have it, the three of us? What if we could be more than the sorry excuses we are now?” Thomas takes a step closer, “I also thought that maybe if John and I slept together it would alleviate some of your guilt, alleviate some of the feeling of inadequacy that John carries. Even the playing field so to speak.”

James snorts at him, “You think fucking him is going to make everything all better, do you?”

Thomas blows a breath out through his nose, tries to calm his racing pulse, “Don’t do that. Don’t turn it into something dirty and ugly. It wasn’t like that between us, and it wasn’t like that with John.” Thomas moves closer still but James moves away, “I know you’re angry and hurt, but think about what I’m saying. Consider it, please.”

“Is he? Considering it?” Thomas watches the muscle in James’s jaw tick.

“He’s agreed to the three of us getting together, having some casual dates to see what happens.”

“You and your magical fucking cock to the rescue.” James’s voice is venomous, the tone sharp enough to cut. “The answer is no.”

“James, think about it first, please.”

“I don’t need to think about it, it will never work. John and I are both too possessive. It would be a fucking disaster.”

Thomas pulls out his last card, “I’m going to keep seeing him. I don’t plan on sleeping with him again–that was a one time occurrence–but I want to know him, and I feel like you should know that. I don’t want to do it behind your back.” 

James turns away from him, back to the dishes, his shoulders slumping, “Do what you want.”

Neither of them say anything further. When James is done with the dishes he grabs his keys and shows Thomas the door.

***

Days later John can still feel the way Thomas had touched him and even now he finds himself flushing at the thought of it. He hadn’t expected the gentleness or the hungry way Thomas had wanted him. _He_ hadn’t expected to want Thomas at all, but the kiss outside the restaurant had proved him wrong. He’d certainly never anticipated walking away from the encounter with soft feelings for a man he should hate, but as he stands in the mirror and looks at the marks Thomas had left on him, he can’t repress the shiver of desire that courses through him.

Thomas had been right. When John had seen them in the bakery, he had immediately misread the situation. He’d immediately believed that despite James’s refusal to sign the divorce papers, he was moving on with Thomas. His immediate reaction had been devastation and he’d turned and fled, unable to look at them together, unable to see Thomas filling the role he’d once had in James’s life. 

John admits to himself that the divorce papers were more for show than anything else. He honestly doesn’t know what he’d have done if James had ever signed them. As hard as John had tried to fall out of love with James he had never been successful. James was everything he’d ever hoped for or wanted in a partner, and despite James’s infidelity, John still loved him deeply.

He’d spent months continuing to see Eleanor. He’d finally worked through the fact that he’d been unable to hear what James had been trying to tell him. For months he’d debated about whether he should talk to James, apologize for not being there for him, for not hearing him. But every time he thought about it he pictured them reconciling and a part of John wondered if that would be best. If he’d been so blind to James during the single instance James had needed him most, what would happen next time? Would he be able to step outside his own pain and fear and be the man James needed him to be? John had yet to be able to answer with a resounding yes, so he’d refrained from trying. 

But something in the sound of Thomas’s voice as he’d run after John had stopped him. When Thomas had told him James still loved him it had taken herculean effort on John’s part not to run back to James, but his doubts plagued him still so he’d turned and walked away instead. 

Thomas’s call had been unexpected and he’d been curious at what game Thomas was playing on James’s behalf. John had expected their lunch to be stilted, he’d expected Thomas to plead James’s case. When Thomas had suggested they sleep together John had known immediately that James hadn’t sent him. John knew there is no way James would have ever suggested that himself, he had a jealous streak three miles wide. John hadn’t actually found fault with Thomas’s logic and he’d been incredibly intrigued with the proposition. 

John had watched him through the rest of their meal. He’d looked at Thomas from a stranger’s point of view. John can admit that had they met under different circumstances, he’d have most likely done everything in his power to get Thomas into bed. 

Outside the restaurant John’s request for a kiss had been a whim. One kiss wouldn’t solve their problems, it wouldn’t tell him if they could make a potential relationship work, but it would show him if he would even be able to stand Thomas’s touch. 

His reaction had surprised even him. He’d felt instant electricity zing between them at the first touch of Thomas’s hand. Arousal had curled through his belly hot and slow, making his his legs rubbery. By the time Thomas had pulled back John had been ready to take him to bed right then. He supposes he could have chalked it up to not having had sex in over a year and the fact that Thomas was incredibly attractive and fit, his body hard under John’s hands, but he’d known it had been more than that. He’d been drawn in by the fierce way he’d defended James, his honesty in both admitting his feelings for James and how if James would have had him, they’d be together now, and the genuine interest he’d shown in trying to find a way for the three of them to be happy.

The encounter itself had been eye opening for John. He hadn’t been with anyone but James in over six years and Thomas’s touch was so different. Not better, definitely very good, but Thomas didn’t already know where and how to touch him. Feeling Thomas explore his body to find out what John liked had been exhilarating. When John had finally let himself go, let Thomas take him apart, he’d been blindsided by immense pleasure at letting Thomas have him.

He’d left the hotel with a lot on his mind, the least of which was how good the sex had been. He’d had no reservations at letting Thomas into his body, enough so that the the next morning he’d been the one to initiate the contact. He’d known the deal had been once but looking at Thomas’s bare back across the room, seeing the thin, faint trace of his nails had shot a burst of arousal through him. He’d put his mouth on Thomas’s back and sucked half a dozen marks into his skin before turning him over and riding him hard and fast, making them both come in record time. He’d made his mind up then, but he’d wanted to sit on it a few days, to make sure it wasn’t just desire making the decision for him.

Thomas had asked to continue seeing him and John doesn’t hesitate. It starts with silly texts and jokes, stupid things they see people do. It’s not long before John is opening up about James and why he’d never tried to reconcile. 

At one of their first lunch dates Thomas doesn’t give him false platitudes. He tells John exactly how he feels about James, and John appreciates the honesty. 

“There’s a part of me that’s glad you’ve never tried to get him back.”

John shreds his napkin on the table, “What would you do, if he broached the subject of the two of you? If he tried something?”

Thomas pauses, his eyes cast down, “I don’t know. I want to tell you that I’d tell him no, that it has to be all of us or none of us, but I don’t know if I have that kind of strength.” John sees the fear in his face.

“And me? If I were to invite you to my home, ask you to take me to bed, what would you say?” Thomas swallows, his eyes sliding over John’s face, his gaze lingering on John’s mouth.

“Same answer. I’d like to be able to say that I could refuse,” Thomas leans closer, his finger trailing over the back of John’s hand, “But I can still hear you in my head. Sometimes I swear I can still taste you, and I can’t help but want you.”

John swallows thickly, his eyes closing briefly, “There’s very little keeping me in this chair, only my respect for you honestly.”

Neither of them speak for long minutes, both waiting for the tension to dissipate. Their server comes by with drink refills and just like that, things are back to normal for the time being. 

When Thomas walks him to his car John pushes the envelope more than he should. He leans against the side of the car, watching Thomas from under his lashes before saying, “I want you to kiss me.”

Thomas’s eyes immediately drop to his mouth, his body swaying into John’s space. The breath of his answer hitting John’s cheek, “I can’t.” John rubs his hands over Thomas’s stomach, his fingers holding Thomas’s hips. Thomas noses through the hair at the side of his head just above his ear, “Because we both know it won’t stop there. We both know I’d put you in the back of this car and take whatever you’d let me have.”

John feels goosebumps pop up as he shivers at the deep tone of Thomas’s voice. He feels his eyes slide closed, his body going liquid as he brushes his lips along Thomas’s jaw, “Everything.” He feels Thomas shudder, his body pressing closer, his breath starting to labor. “If I promise to stop you, to not let it go any further, will you please kiss me?”

Thomas gives in with a growl, his lips sliding wetly along John’s. John whimpers into it and it’s everything he remembers. He can’t believe how much he wants Thomas, it should scare the shit out of him, but it only makes him bolder. His hands slide up the back of Thomas’s head and into his hair as he pulls down hard to get a better angle. Thomas’s body presses flush to his, his cock hard where it’s nestled against John’s hip. 

John knows he could have him, now, all he’d have to do is ask, lie back in the car and take his cock out, let Thomas see how hard he is and that would be it. But he won’t do it. He lets the kiss go on for what feels like forever. By the time he pulls back they’re both out of breath. John swears he can smell the want on both of them. 

John presses a last kiss to Thomas’s cheek, “Find a way to convince him.”

***

James waits three days before texting Thomas.

 _I can’t control who you see, or what you do. But the topic of John is no longer something I’m willing to talk about._ James backspaces a dozen times before he decides to hit the send button.

The half hour it takes for Thomas to reply sets James’s teeth on edge.

_What does that mean for us?_

_Things between us won’t change. But there will be no more discussions about John or you and I and John._

_Fair enough._

James appreciates Thomas’s willingness not to push. 

***

_April 2013_

When James asks Thomas over for dinner, Thomas is cagey and nervous and James realizes that must mean he has plans with John. James suggests an alternate date. James decides he needs to see for himself exactly what’s happening. He waits several houses down from Thomas’s until Thomas leaves and then he tails him. 

He follows Thomas into town and waits as he pulls into a parking space in front of a small cafe. James can see John waiting outside. Making a u-turn, he parks across the street and watches as Thomas approaches John. John meets him halfway and hugs him tightly, while it’s only a short hug, it speaks of familiarity and James’s hands tighten on his steering wheel. He waits to see if they’ll take a table inside or one on the patio outside.

Luckily for James he sees them exiting the side door to the patio. He turns the ignition off and watches the pair closely, John talks animatedly and Thomas laughs at whatever he’s saying. He spends an hour watching John laugh and smile in a way he hasn’t seen in over a year and he can’t help but think about what Thomas had said.

They’re unhappy, all of them, James knows it’s true. The guilt he feels for betraying John’s trust, betraying their wedding vows, is so heavy sometimes that James can barely get out of bed. His continued relationship with Thomas, despite knowing how John feels, or felt, only compounds the problem, but James can’t seem to let Thomas go either. His guilt for keeping Thomas on a leash despite rebuffing his advances makes James hate himself. Thomas deserves to be happy, to have someone love him, who will open their body and heart to him the way James can’t.

John is the love of James’s life, but Thomas brings a peacefulness to his soul that James has never felt before. The internal rage that James could never seem to rid himself of disappears at the sound of Thomas’s voice. James can’t live without either of them, but they can’t continue to live these half lives either. 

James pulls away from the curb and drives back home before the two finish their date, not wanting to know if Thomas had been telling the truth about not sleeping with John again.

He avoids Thomas’s calls as he searches within himself for a solution. He keeps picturing Thomas and John together in his head, alternating between the way they’d been at the cafe, and how he imagines they had looked locked together in bed. If he weren’t in the picture at all, James thinks that John and Thomas would be a near perfect match. John has always been fairly submissive yet incredibly playful and bold. It’s an intoxicating combination that had snared James from the very start. He imagines that Thomas’s quietly dominant and commanding presence had enticed John the same way it had James.

He eventually texts Thomas, confirming their late lunch for the next day. He realizes that this is their second to last option. He refuses to even think about the three of them walking away from one another.

***

James waits until Thomas is seated at his kitchen island to speak, “I’ve been thinking about your suggestion.” Thomas sits very still watching James closely, his hands clasped together on the counter. “Maybe the three of us could have lunch.” James hears Thomas exhale and when he looks up Thomas is smiling widely at him.

“We’d both like that very much.”

James nods, “I’ll leave the details to you. Just tell me when and where.”

He watches Thomas abortively reach for his pocket before yanking his hand back. His leg starts to bounce and his fingers are drumming on the counter as he shifts around restlessly on his stool. 

James represses a smile as he says, “You can let him know now if you’d like.” Thomas’s phone is out before James even finishes the sentence. Thomas gets an answer almost immediately that makes him smile. “What did he say?”

Thomas holds up the phone and instead of words he sees a string of emoji’s. James chokes out a laugh. It’s the same way John used to answer most of _his_ texts before everything went to shit.

James turns away, a question on the tip of his tongue that he doesn’t know if he really wants the answer to. Thomas’s touch to his shoulder startles him. “I’m sorry, I called your name three times,” Thomas speaks softly as he steps back from James.

James searches his face, “Was it good? Between the two of you?”

“James—”

James interrupts him before Thomas can finish, “I need to know what I'm walking into.” 

Thomas hesitates, but finally answers as he sits back down at the kitchen island, “Yes, it was good.”

“Tell me about it.”

Thomas closes his eyes and sighs, “We met at a hotel, we had sex, we talked. I’m not giving you details. I didn’t give them to him when he asked about us and I’m not giving them to you. Those are private, between me and you and me and him. If you want to know the particulars ask him.”

James nods his head, “I’m sorry, you’re right. I shouldn’t have asked.” 

James turns away and Thomas sighs again and reaches out, grasping James’s wrist to turn him around, “I didn’t mean to sound so angry. I just believe that those kinds of details should stay between us.”

James understands. “But he enjoyed it?”

Thomas smiles at him and nods. James lets the subject drop. They finish two bottles of wine, and by the time lunch is over they’re both pink cheeked and slightly giddy. As they’re cleaning up James puts himself in Thomas’s path to the trash can.

“Will you kiss me?” Thomas’s eyes immediately drop to his mouth and James feels heat curl in his stomach. “Just one kiss.”

“He said the exact same thing to me before he agreed to meet him.” Thomas’s fingers wrap around James’s hips.

James smirks at him, the alcohol giving him more courage than brains, “He wanted to know if you could turn him on. John puts a lot of stock in kissing. He’s very good at it.” 

Thomas takes a step closer and James feels his face flush hot as Thomas says, “He is.” James’s slides his hand up the back of Thomas’s neck and pulls his head down so his lips are pressed against Thomas’s ear. 

“Did you make him come more than once?”

“James—”

He tightens his fist in Thomas’s hair and tugs, “Did you?” Thomas groans the word _yes_ against James’s throat. James shivers as Thomas’s breath puffs against his skin. “And the second time, did he make _that_ sound? The one that goes straight to your cock, the one you would do anything to hear over and over again?”

Thomas pulls back, his eyes searching James’s face. James tries to remain open, tries to convey that James is asking as a lover, as an equal in what they’re all now hoping for.

“Yes,” Thomas says shortly before covering James’s mouth with his. Thomas backs him against the counter, his mouth hot and hungry, his tongue snaking into James’s mouth and twirling around his. James moans into it, his body melting against Thomas’s.

Thomas’s hands skate down his back to cup his ass. James goes to his toes, his body rocking into Thomas. He feels so good, it’s been so long since anyone has touched him. The last time had been John, and James can see him behind his eyes just as he was that night.

James tears his mouth away, “He’s beautiful when he comes.”

Thomas’s eyes snap open, “He’s beautiful every second of the day.”

James’s feels himself smile, “You want him quite a bit don’t you?”

“Yes,” Thomas grinds the word out as James’s thumbs stroke over Thomas’s hardened nipples through his shirt. 

“The same way you want me?” James asks quietly. Thomas can only nod, his eyes falling closed as James’s hips hitch into his before he steps back and says, “Set up the first date.”

Thomas grins at him as he tries to catch his breath. He leaves with a promise to make the first date as soon as possible.

***

The next morning, James receives a text with the details for their first date; in one week, dinner at Maggiano’s. 

James spends the entire week on edge. He gets a haircut, a manicure, buys three new shirts, two new pairs of pants, and a pair of shoes he doesn’t even like that much, but he knows John will notice. When he tells Thomas, Thomas just laughs at him. James makes him promise not to tell John how neurotic he’s being. Thomas says he thinks John would like it. 

The night of their date, Thomas is the first to arrive, waiting in a round booth at the back of the restaurant. James slides in and they sit silently as they wait for John. He downs his first glass of wine in record time as his leg bounces with nervous energy. As soon as John walks in, James feels his throat go tight, his stomach clenching at the sight of him. John slides into the booth on the other side of James, sandwiching James between him and Thomas. 

James can’t stop looking at him. His hair is a bit longer and James aches to touch it. He curls his hands into fists where they rest in his lap. 

James swallows, “John, I—”

John holds his hand up and James stops abruptly. John smiles at him lopsidedly.

“I need to say a few things first, alright?” James can only nod, he doesn’t remember the last time John spoke to him with something other than hurt or anger in his voice.

“It took me a while to understand. I stayed in therapy after we separated and I met people who could explain it to me in a way that I couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t, hear from you. I shut out the pain that you were in because of the pain it caused me and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry I couldn’t see you and what you needed.” John glances over to Thomas before looking back at James. 

“Part of the reason I slept with Thomas was to hurt you the way you had hurt me.” John grins at them both, “It kind of backfired.”

James chokes on a half sob, his eyes wet as he stares at John. James can see their waiter approach out of the corner of his eye. Thomas slides out of the booth smoothly and intercepts him. James wipes at the corners of his eyes, and downs a glass of water quickly. 

“I’m willing to give this a try if you are.” John rubs his thumb over James’s knuckles and James has to close his eyes against the second swell of emotion that washes through him. He nods and looks back up, his eyes caught and held by John’s.

“No more apologies, I know that you’re sorry, James. I know that you loved me, I know that you feel guilty. Those things I never doubted. I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of me.”

John reaches out and runs his thumb under James’s eye, palm cupping his cheek. James leans into the touch. Turning his face into John’s hand, he presses his lips against John’s wrist as tears slide silently down his face. All he’s wanted for the past year and a half is the warmth of John’s touch, the sound of his voice, the feel of his skin.

James takes several deeps breaths, and for the first time he thinks they might actually have a shot at making this work for all of them, finally. It takes a few false starts but eventually conversation starts to ebb and flow naturally, and by the time they’re all saying goodnight everyone is in good spirits. John kisses them both on the cheek before walking to his car. For the first time in what feels like forever, James doesn’t go to bed with sadness hanging over his head.

***

_August 2013_

The three of them see each other two or three times a week for several months and each time it gets harder for James to keep his hands to himself. John is flirty, vibrant, and so fucking charming that James falls in love with him all over again. They’re all adhering to a strict kissing only rule; no sex between any of them until they agree to sex between all of them. But that doesn’t stop James and John from trying to get Thomas into bed every chance they get. Sometimes James feels marginally sorry for Thomas, caught between the two of them, the heat barely contained, Thomas must be able to feel it like a touch. 

On a particularly hot night, James tells Thomas about how he and John had met and the gold hot pants that James can still see. John flushes at the memory, his bottom lip pulled into his mouth. 

After four rounds of miniature golf and the torture of ice cream cones at Baskin Robbins, Thomas drops John off first. He walks John to the door and John pulls Thomas into a kiss, his hands running all over Thomas’s back. James watches as John whispers into his ear, his hands moving up into Thomas’s hair as he holds his head. He leans back against his door, pulls Thomas to him for another long kiss, his body sliding sinuously along Thomas’s. James thinks he should be jealous but jealousy is the last thing on his mind. He can’t stop seeing how much bigger Thomas is than John and how that could translate to a bout of acrobatic sex that has James’s cock taking a keen interest. James doesn’t exactly understand how his mind is working but he’s not going to worry about it right now. 

John drags Thomas closer, his mouth opens wide under Thomas’s as Thomas pins John to the door. Thomas’s hands slides down John’s back, his fingers curving around John’s ass as he lifts John’s body into his. John rips his mouth away, his head knocking against the door as Thomas licks down his throat. James hears himself moan, his hand going to his trapped cock. John’s head turns slowly to look toward the car. Their eyes meet across the short distance and heat flares hot and bright in James’s chest. James licks his lips and John’s eyes flutter closed. He rubs the palm of his hand against himself, feels himself get wet inside his briefs. Thomas pulls back abruptly, his hands planted on the door next to John’s head, his own head hanging between his shoulders as he pants. John keeps touching him, his hands running all over Thomas’s body. He tries to pull Thomas back against him but Thomas resists. Thomas gives John a final kiss and walks away.

When Thomas gets in the car he has to adjust himself, he’s breathing hard and his face is flushed. James smirks at him, “What did he say?”

“He told me you fucked him on the kitchen table without a condom that first night. He described in graphic detail how thick your cock felt inside him and how much he loved it.” Thomas turns to him with glittering eyes, “He wanted to know if I thought the both of us could fit inside him.” 

James sucks in a sharp breath, just the idea of it sends a shiver down his spine. 

“And then he kept trying to get me to come back after I dropped you off. He’s worse than you. The two of you are giving me a horrible case of blue balls.”

When they get to his house James doesn’t even let Thomas out of the car, he just climbs over the center console and into Thomas’s lap. It’s a tight fit but James likes a challenge. He releases the seat so that it reclines and then his tongue is pushing into Thomas’s mouth, he can still taste John on Thomas’s tongue. Thomas is still hard and James grinds down against him. He sucks and licks at Thomas’s mouth, as his hips circle and press in a fast hitching rhythm. He breaks the kiss and breaths hard against the side of Thomas’s neck, one panting breath after another as he rocks his body down. He’s so fucking close already.

“James. James, stop.”

James stills, his forehead resting against Thomas’s collarbone. He can’t help but whine. 

“I know, babe, but we all promised. We have to abide by it.” Thomas slaps him on the ass and James squeaks, “Come on, out you go.”

Once James is standing outside the car, Thomas rolls his window down. 

“You could come in,” James offers softly.

Thomas laughs, “No, I really can’t. We both know what will happen if I do. It won’t be much longer, I promise.” James nods and kisses Thomas one last time before he watches Thomas drive off. 

***

_September 2013_

When James knocks on Thomas’s door two weeks later it’s opened by John and James feels his heartbeat trip. He knows it can only mean one thing, John is ready to move forward. 

Thomas gathers them in his living room and places a small cedar box containing three baggies in the middle of his coffee table. As he pulls them out John starts to laugh and James gapes, “Is that what I think it is?”

Thomas just nods, “I thought maybe we could use a little nerve stabilizer.” 

James thinks he’s a fucking genius. Thomas rolls the first joint and then lights it, taking the first hit. James watches the way his eyes close as the first drag hits his system. His face smooths out and a small grin plays at his lips, he’s absolutely gorgeous and James can’t look away.

When his eyes open he smiles and passes the joint to John, “Fuck, it’s good. Medical grade, got it from Charles.”

John pulls smoke deep into his lungs, his eyes watching James the whole time. He passes it to James and as soon as he feels it hit, his whole body starts to relax, his jangling nerves about what tonight might mean taking a backseat to the pleasant buzz working it’s way through his veins. They kill the first one in less than fifteen minutes, the three of them all lying on the floor looking up at Thomas’s ceiling.

“Who ever thought that popcorn ceilings were a good idea?” James wonders aloud, “They’re so fucking ugly and messy to take down.”

“Hey, speaking of popcorn, you got any?” John turns his head to look over at Thomas.

“No, but I can order pizza, if you’d like.”

“Mmmmm, I’d like very much, thank you.” John stretches, his back arching off the floor as he reaches above his head. His shirt rides up and James doesn’t miss the hungry look on Thomas’s face. James has no doubt it’s mirrored on his own. John drops back to the floor, with a happy sigh, “Fuck, I feel so loose.”

James chokes on his own spit and John’s head turns toward him slowly as a smile creeps across his face, “You have a filthy mind, James Flint.”

“Can’t blame him.” Thomas tosses out as he sits up, “You inspire filthy thoughts.” He starts to crawl across the floor toward his phone but John stops him with one leg in the air, blocking his path. Thomas swings his head toward John slowly and John crooks his finger. Thomas looks toward James and James feels his pulse speed up. 

Thomas changes trajectory and crawls toward John. James watches the way his shoulder blades press against the back of his shirt as he moves, like a big cat on the hunt. James finds it incredibly sexy. John spreads his legs, his pants stretching tight over his thighs, as Thomas moves forward between them. John puts his elbows on the ground and partially sits up. He watches Thomas with hooded eyes as he says, “Kiss me.” 

Thomas stops, his hands on either side of John’s hips. He lifts one hand and slides it behind John’s head as he leans forward. John’s eyes fall closed as he tips his face up. Thomas slants his mouth over John’s and James can barely contain the moan working it ways up from his chest. They always look so good together. 

He sees Thomas nip gently at John’s bottom lip. John opens for him, the tip of his tongue reaching out to touch Thomas’s. James sucks in a quick breath as his stomach flips, his cock actually twitches as John moans into the kiss. His hand slides into the back of Thomas’s hair, he falls back down so he’s flat, bringing Thomas with him. Thomas hovers over him, bites across his jaw and down his neck. John’s back arches and James whimpers. Two sets of lust filled eyes turn his way. John pushes against Thomas’s chest. 

“Pizza,” John says as he smiles at James.

They devour two and a half pizzas before smoking the next joint. John starts to hand the joint over to James but then he pulls it back at the last second, taking another deep drag as he crooks his finger at James. 

Despite James knowing what’s coming he’s still shocked by the touch of John’s lips on his, he opens his mouth as John exhales into it. Smoke curls through his lungs and up into his sinuses. John follows the smoke with his tongue and James groans. John’s lips slide against his and James lets himself fall into John. He’s missed the taste of him so fucking much. He’s practically afraid to touch him, afraid to break the spell, but he lets his hand curl against the side of John’s head. John’s only reaction is to deepen the kiss. He moans into James’s mouth and pulls him closer, his tongue skating along James’s bottom lip.

When John pulls back James is dizzy, and giddy. He takes the joint from John but before John lets go, he looks from James to Thomas, “We’re going to shotgun the rest of it.”

John pulls Thomas closer, James nervously takes a deep draw and then leans toward Thomas. Thomas meets him halfway, the kiss is slick and deep and they lose most of the smoke as it curls around their heads. Thomas drags him forward, his mouth devouring. James hears John take a sharp breath and when he and Thomas turn, John’s eyes are dark and hot. The rest of the joint is basically wasted, all of them more concerned with the deep, wet kisses they’re trading. More smoke escapes their mouths than actually enters their lungs, curling around their heads creating a sweet, potent haze. Thomas lights the last one. This one they just pass and by the time they’re done with it they’re lying in a semi circle on their backs, giggling about nothing. 

Thomas drags out a two pound bag of Reese’s Pieces and John takes control of the bag almost immediately. They start a game of trying to see who can manage to get the most pieces in someone else’s mouth. So far Thomas is winning.

“Jesus, you suck at this game,” James teases John as he searches around behind himself looking for the piece that just flew past his head.

John sticks his tongue out, “I can’t help it if I'm distracted by your cock sucking lips every time I throw.” Thomas chokes on a laugh and John narrows his eyes at Thomas. He lies down sideways, his head propped on his hand and says, “James, I want to watch you suck him off.”

James feels himself go still as he and Thomas look at one another. It’s suddenly as if all the air has been sucked out of the room. Neither of them move until John prompts, “I’m waiting.”

James crawls toward Thomas until he’s kneeling between Thomas’s legs. He reaches out and runs his hands up Thomas’s legs. Thomas goes up on his elbows to watch James as James looks over at John who’s watching intently, a small smile playing over his lips. James feels his hands shake as he reaches for the button on Thomas’s jeans. 

“Thomas, take off your shirt,” John’s voice is soft and smooth, the sound of it sending a tremor through James’s body. Thomas reaches for the bottom of his t-shirt and then pulls it over his head in one quick, fluid movement. James stills immediately to watch, this is the first time James is seeing him this way. Their only encounter had been brief, over before James could really even think about what was happening. It had only been James’s shirt that had come off, their pants remained on, pushed just past their hips as Thomas has jerked both of them off.

James can’t stop himself from reaching out and trailing his shaking fingers down the center of Thomas’s chest. The muscles ripple under his touch and Thomas sucks in a sharp breath. He’s stunning; smooth, soft skin stretched over well-defined abs. James had seen him doing pull ups once, his biceps bulging, the material of his t-shirt barely able to contain them. 

James goes back to Thomas’s pants, his fingers making quick work of the button and zipper on his jeans. He works his pants and briefs down to mid thigh and James’s feels a hot spike of arousal pulse through him. Thomas’s cock is thick and full where it lies against his thigh. James takes him by the base and licks a stripe up the underside. Thomas moans, his head falling back between his shoulders. James cuts his eyes across the room to look at John. 

John is leaning forward, his mouth slightly parted around little panting breaths, his eyes glued to James’s mouth, naked desire written on his face. James licks around the head, probes into the slit with his tongue as Thomas’s hips jerk forward with a soft gasp. 

“Suck him.”

They both turn toward John, his eyes are heavy lidded and dark as they watch James. He licks his lips, his breath is shallow. James can see his heart beating wildly in his neck but there isn’t a trace of jealousy on him. James knows him as well as he knows himself, knows what John looks like when he’s turned on. James holds his gaze as he wraps his lips around Thomas’s cock.

He goes down slowly, his tongue twisting around the shaft, licking and rubbing at the thick vein on the underside. Thomas’s mouth opens on a soft whimpering moan.

“Yeah, that’s it, show him how good you are,” John’s dark voice encourages him.

James closes his eyes, lets himself taste Thomas, lets himself feel Thomas hot and perfect on his tongue. Up and down, he bobs his head in a steady pace, his lips becoming tender and swollen, spit gathering at the corners of his mouth as Thomas starts to fuck up into him. James goes down all the way, swallows around Thomas just to hear that desperate half moan that sends a shiver down James’s spine. 

“Fuck, James. Your mouth.” Thomas’s fingers tuck under his chin and lift his head. His cock falls from James’s mouth, a thin string of saliva keeping them connected. His thumb rubs along James’s bottom lip before he pulls down, his wet thumb sliding down James’s chin to open his mouth further as he pushes his cock back into James’s mouth. James hears John’s sharp intake of breath. James’s eyes cut over to John and he’s pressing his hand against his trapped cock, his eyes glued to James’s mouth. He moves closer to where James and Thomas are lying on the floor and when he gets there he lifts James’s head and slides his tongue into James’s mouth. He moans as he sucks on James’s tongue. 

Pulling back, John says, “I can taste him on you.” 

John’s hand goes to the back of James’s head, he pushes gently as his other hand holds Thomas’s cock still. James goes all the way down until his lips meet John’s fingers. He licks out with his tongue to trace John’s knuckles and John gasps. 

“So hot,” John murmurs before he lets go of Thomas’s cock. James sees him lean in and lick across Thomas’s nipples. Thomas moans, his eyes fluttering closed at the double assault. James closes his own eyes and lets himself get lost in the taste of Thomas. He’s thick and heavy on James’s tongue, stretching his mouth wide, making his jaw ache already but there’s no chance he intends to stop. James pulls all the way up, hollowing his cheeks, sucking hard at the head. He tongues the slit coaxing a few salty drops out of the tip. When he looks up Thomas is flat on his back, John kneeling beside him, licking over his chest, biting at him with sharp teeth as Thomas sucks in panting breaths. 

“Fuck his mouth,” John whispers. Thomas’s hand grips the back of James’s head, his fingers tightly fisting James’s hair, and then his hips are lifting, fucking in, the head of his cock catching at the back of James’s throat. James swallows around him, and Thomas hisses, his hips coming all the way off the floor. James continues to swallow, pulling him in further, cutting off his own air as Thomas fucks in frantically, hips pistoning fast. James’s eyes begin to water, spit sliding down his chin. Thomas’s other hand fits to the back of his neck. When James looks up, John is sucking at Thomas’s left nipple, his eyes meeting James’s, the message clear.

James pulls up fast, sucking hard, draws a few quick breaths and then he’s down again, sucking and licking, taking Thomas as deep as he can, his eyes locked with John’s the whole time. Thomas is moaning, his shoulder blades digging into the floor, his feet planted as his hips fuck up frantically. 

“Oh, fuck, I’m coming.” His voice is hoarse, the sound of it sending a shiver down James’s spine. His fingers tighten on James’s head, his hips pumping in short little burst and then James tastes him, thick and wet, he can’t help but moan. Thomas’s body convulses, his breath choking off, his legs pressing against James’s shoulders as James continues to suck him. Thomas collapses back to the floor, his hands petting James’s head before pushing him off gently. James doesn’t swallow all of him, he waits for John, knowing that, inevitably, John will want to taste him.

He doesn’t have to wait long. John is lifting his head, his mouth sliding over James’s. James pushes his tongue, still holding a measure of Thomas’s come, into John’s mouth. John moans, his body connecting with James’s as he pushes James back. John comes over him until he’s straddling James. John takes everything James gives him, sucks at his tongue, licks over his teeth and lips, his hips grinding down, rubbing against James’s.

John kisses across James’s chin to his ear, “Fuck me, please. It’s been so long, I need to feel you, James.”

James wraps his arms around John’s body, holding him while trying to keep himself in check. He never thought he’d hear or see John like this again. He sits up, John in his lap, John’s mouth on his neck with a prick of teeth. James whips John’s shirt over his head as he lays him back, kissing him softly, calming him. Neither of them see Thomas reaching under the cushion of the couch but suddenly there are condoms and lube next to John’s hip. James kisses across John’s neck, his mouth sucking marks into his skin. He trails down, across John’s chest, licking at his nipples before going further, tonguing at his belly button.

He sits back on his heels, working John’s pants and briefs down and off. All James can do for several long minutes is stare at John’s body. He’s missed him so much. Everything about him is so beautiful. He can’t help but take his time, his hands sliding across skin, raising goosebumps as he traces the contours of John’s body. He runs his tongue down John’s right thigh, sucks at his kneecap before moving to the other. John is shaking under him, his hands petting James’s head and shoulders. 

When James finally reaches for the lube John is pleading with him to hurry. Thomas lies on the floor next to them, his hand hovering over John’s body, his eyes asking for James’s permission. James can only nod, the last thing Thomas needs is his permission, he’s already had John on his own. Thomas already knows that John would allow him, but James knows it wasn’t for John’s benefit, but for his own. This is the first time he’s been able to touch John in much too long and Thomas is cognizant of what this means for James. James is filled with love for him, for John, he’s never felt so full of emotion before.

Thomas plucks at John’s nipples, pinching them into tight little buds before applying his tongue. He licks and sucks at John as James’s fingers breach John’s body. John moans, shivering underneath them. James seats two fingers fully and John hisses, his hips tilting down, drawing James deeper. James curls his fingers and brushes back and forth. John gasps, his eyes flying open as his hips lift into James’s hand. He rocks down, his back bowing as Thomas sucks first one and then the other nipple into his mouth. James can see his teeth nipping.

James works his hand in and out, tugging at John’s rim, stretching him. He spreads his finger, gets the thumb of his other hand between them, working John wider as he fucks down. “Now James, now,” John pants.

He shucks his clothes under two sets of hungry eyes and then he’s slicking his cock. He can’t bring himself to use the condoms, he’s not been with anyone and James knows the only person John has been with is Thomas. As he hovers over John's prone body, the chain holding John's ring sways in front of John's face. John reaches up and grabs at the chain and James freezes. John's thumb strokes over the platinum band before he tugs hard, the chain snapping with a sharp sting. John slides the ring back onto his finger slowly, his eyes never leaving James's. James feels the sharp prick of tears but John smiles at him and shakes his head. He pulls James down into a soft kiss, his hips canting down, his ass brushing against James's cock head. He nudges against John’s hole and John’s legs open wider on a soft noise of approval. Thomas strokes John’s cock slow and tight, his fist slick, giving John something else to think about. Thomas shuffles to the side, his head resting in his palm as he watches them, a small smile on his face. James looks down to the lube and then back to Thomas hoping his message is clear, Thomas freezes and James nods once. 

James pushes in slowly, one inch at a time. John is hot and tight and he feels so fucking good, all James can do is shudder as bone deep pleasure rolls through him. When he finally settles deep, John’s body vibrates around him, a deep broken sound issuing forth just before he arches and whispers James’s name so softly, so reverently, that James nearly sobs. He’d never thought to hear that tone in John’s voice again. James leans into him, his mouth pressed to John’s ear, “I love you, I love you so fucking much.”

John wraps his arms around James, their eyes meeting, and even though John doesn’t say it, it’s there in his eyes. James kisses him soft and slow. He pours everything into it, feeling John sigh into his mouth. When he pulls back, the smile John gives him is pure sin. He stretches up, his arms reaching above his head, his back arching, his hips curling and pulling James’s deeper, “Fuck me, James.”

James doesn’t hesitate, he pulls back and shoves forward hard and fast. John’s eyes flutter closed, his mouth opening on a soft whine. James does it over and over, pulling almost all the way out and then hammering home. John’s body slides across the carpet with each forceful thrust. John is undulating under him, his body flushed and sticky with sweat. 

James feels Thomas’s wet fingers at his hole and his hips stutter. John’s eyes pop open and look over James’s left shoulder, Thomas voice is nothing but soft purr in his ear, “May I?”

James knows the question wasn’t for him, he keeps perfectly still, his eyes on John’s face, John smiles and nods and all three of them breathe. John pulls James down, his lips sliding over James’s in a gentle kiss as Thomas works two fingers into his ass. His fingers are thick and long and they reach so deep inside James’s body that he can’t help but shudder. His hips press forward into John and John gasps, his breath hot against the side of James’s face. Thomas fucks him with his fingers fast, he feels the tug and stretch of another and he moans, his head falling to John’s chest. 

Thomas spends long minutes playing at James’s hole, in and out and stretching his fingers wide. He starts to reach for the condoms and James bats at his hand, “I know where you’ve been.” He hears Thomas chuckle behind him and feels John’s snort under him. A wave of happiness washes over him.

He feels the blunt head of Thomas’s cock and he can’t help but tense just slightly. John shushes him, kisses his neck, strokes his fingers down his back, shifts his hips minutely so James’s cock is being milked by his inner muscles. James moans, his body going lax as Thomas begins to slide deeper. The sting of it makes him gasp, the mild pain radiating up his spine, tingling into his brain and then turning to pleasure. 

Thomas’s body rests over his where he lies on John’s chest, his lips pressed to the back of James’s neck when he says, “Jesus Christ you’re tight.”

John cranes his neck, “You expected something different?”

James goes perfectly still, Thomas answering for him instead, “I...we...it was just a hand job, we didn’t...do this.”

James sees confusion written in John’s eyes, his mouth opening, body going tense and then Thomas says, “Can we maybe talk about it later?” A push of his hips shoves James deeper into John. 

John’s eyes fall closed as he bites his lip, pleasure lighting his face, “Yes, talking later.”

Thomas goes to his knees, his hands on James’s hips. James gets to his own hands and knees, pushing forward into John and then back onto Thomas and he nearly crumples. The pleasure sluicing through him is intense. Thomas is thick and hard and so fucking hot inside him. Every move makes James clench around him and James can feel every fucking inch of Thomas’s cock while John’s ass is sucking at him tightly, clenching around him like a vice. James starts to pant, his breath choppy and uneven. He squeezes his eyes shut and fucks forward and back quickly.

He can barely think through the ecstasy clouding his brain, the two of them are working in counter to him, John’s hips lifting, his ass clutching, Thomas's hips rolling into him, his cock head skidding perfectly over that sweet spot inside. James is nothing but one giant nerve ending, shaking and sweating as they hold him between them. He can barely breath, his chest heaving, sweat sliding down his back. Thomas’s mouth is biting across his shoulder blades and John’s fingers are tugging at his nipples, rolling them in his fingers, pressing with his nails. James’s body is wracked by one shudder after another, pleasure spiking inside him as the pressure builds. He can feel his cock swelling, throbbing. There’s buzzing in his ears. Thomas pushes him forward, his arm coming around James’s body, taking John’s cock in his fist. John cries out, his hips stuttering, body rolling, fucking up faster, his cock sliding quickly along Thomas’s palm. 

Thomas is the one driving the rhythm, pushing James into John, one hand on John’s cock the other on James’s hip. He fucks James fast, his forehead digging into the back of James’s head, his breath ghosting down James’s back. 

“Make him come,” Thomas whispers to him.

James moves Thomas’s hand away and replaces it with his own. He twists up over the head, and jacks John’s cock fast and tight the way he knows John loves, the way he knows will get John off fast. John is panting under him, his stomach clenching, head pressed back. 

“Faster,” John grits out through clenched teeth, his lips pulled back in an almost snarl, his hands curl around James’s biceps as James feels him start to shake. “Don’t stop. Don’t fucking stop.”

John is teetering on the edge, his body straining. James rubs his thumb under the head of his cock, shoves his hips in hard and grinds in slow figure-eights. John’s mouth drops open, his breath stopping. James feels his cock pulse and twitch in his hand and then John is coming up his chest in long white ropes. His head rolls to the side, sharp hard panting breaths puffing out as his nails bite into James’s arms. James keeps stroking him through it even as John whimpers, his brows wrinkling with over-sensitivity.

Thomas fucks into James hard and fast. James can’t do anything but curl over John’s body as John’s ass continues to squeeze down on him. Thomas is letting loose soft little grunts into his shoulder, his teeth sunk in as his hips slam home with one desperate thrust after another. James feels his orgasm start to build, his stomach flipping, his body flushing hot. John’s fingers tunnel into his hair, his lifts James’s head so their eyes meet, “Come for him.”

James all but wails as he feels his cock jerk inside John’s body. John clutches at him, a filthy smile on his face as James comes hard and deep, his body shuddering as Thomas fucks into him frantically, his hips grinding and pushing with short little pumps, Thomas’s guttural moan in his ear and then wetness deep inside him have James lying flat out on John. He stretches his leg out and hisses as pain shoots up his calf. Thomas is there in an instant, his hands rubbing, soothing the soreness until James relaxes. 

Thomas gets them up and wipes them all down before leading them to his bedroom. James climbs in and pulls John down with him. John’s eyes are hazy and sleep heavy, the lopsided smile he gives James makes James’s stomach flip over and his heart skip. John kisses him on the cheek and then curls into him, his body warm against James. James buries his face in John’s hair, takes a deep breath and feels completely at ease for the first time in almost two years. James looks over John’s shoulder to Thomas as he laces their fingers together on John’s shoulder. 

James doesn’t know how to thank him for this. For giving this back to him, for being patient with both of them, for figuring out what they needed, all of them, to heal and move forward. He knows the road is going to be fraught with false starts and probably more arguments than any of them can even anticipate, but if he’s learned one thing its that they can’t give up, they have to be persistent. They want this and they’re going to have to work for it. He knows this wasn’t some magical night of reconciliation. Even now, he can feel his own doubts creeping in but he pushes them back, there will be plenty of time to deal will all of that in the bright light of day.


End file.
